Oh yeah, I almost forgot. He was a crackhead too.

Howdy folks.

It’s almost been a month since my last post and quite a good deal in the land of OkCupid has happened. I don’t want to write a novel, so I’ll just sum up the highlights by noting the notables.

  • I was polyamorous with a married man for a hot minute.
  • I watched a beautiful stranger eat pizza in Kansas City.
  • I received this poem in a message:

The Raspberries Belong to No One

They are wild alongside the road.
The July light seems to gather
Around the seductive bunches of red.

I know where great patches grow–
Far from town, thick in the canyons,
Dancing under summer stars.

I sing while I slowly walk,
Picking the berries, enjoying a day
For what tastes it contains.

I wander like a bear,
Tongue lolling out, red
Juices dripping down my chin.

When I come out of the woods
Summer shall be over.
My fingers shall remain stained for months.

The night will begin to stretch
Across the sky like a vine.
The stars shall grow and dangle in clusters.

And secreted in my chest,
I will carry a Raspberry Heart–
Like a wild rhythm echoing in the dark.

I think you’ve been caught up to speed now. I NEED to tell you all about yesterday.

Yesterday I went on a date. I don’t usually meet folks off of OkCupid in person unless I’ve had a little bit of conversation via the website first. This is mainly due to my wanting to find out if they can carry on a grammatically correct conversation and I need to know if we have anything worthy of talking about in person. I know, weird, right?

Yesterday I decided to switch things up though and meet someone with little to no previous conversation in person. I knew practically nothing about this guy before meeting him for brunch at The Roost. It all started with the following message:

I like pancakes. Do you like pancakes?

I thought to myself, LET’S GET WEIRD, so I decided to actually respond. To give myself some credit I don’t usually respond to messages like this. We exchanged about 6 messages about pancakes and the different ways to enjoy pancakes as well as the different varieties of pancakes, of course, before I messaged him asking if he would like to get pancakes with me. We set the date/time and I actually showed up. I contemplated standing him up, but Sunday I woke up with quite the hankering for pancakes, so I put on a hoodie and headed downtown. My roommate warned me ‘I was asking for it’ by embarking on such an endeavor, but what I encountered was leaps and bounds beyond my wildest dreams. I feel like a found a fucking unicorn folks. I promise you I am not making any of this up. 

T is a twenty year old male who lives in Olathe, KS in a two bedroom apartment with 5 other friends. He sleeps on a couch when he is not working at the local cinema. When asked how he typically spends his days, T says that after working until about midnight, he comes home and plays Call of Duty until 3 or 4 in the morning – taking breaks only to eat, shit, and watch YouTube videos about other people playing video games. Occasionally, T does fire spinning at the Renaissance Festival. He does have a felony charge on his record for assault with a deadly weapon and making a terrorist threat i.e. after getting into a fight with someone, he threatened to cut their tongue out of their face with a knife. T has gone to therapy and anger management however so he has been accepted in the Army and will be going to boot camp very soon. T is a juggalo, graphic novel consumer, and a Brony. For those who might not know what a brony is, please check out this website: http://whatisabrony.com/    T is not a participant of the incest which occurs in his family. He feels confident in not being attracted to his 15 year old cousin. Oh yeah, I almost forgot. He was a crackhead too. Through the demonstration of sheer will power, T has been able to rid himself of the desire to smoke crack. 

According to OkCupid, T and I are a 77% Match. Unfortunately, T and I were unable to hang out for longer than a few hours. I think if we had spent a little longer together we may have found out what that 77% includes exactly. 

I can only think of three words which accurately sum up my feelings about yesterday.

God. Bless. America.

3 (This isn’t a photo of the guy. Just another random OkCupider.)

Keep it weird y’all,

Jess

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About Jess

It's about time we became comfortable with the uncomfortable.
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2 Responses to Oh yeah, I almost forgot. He was a crackhead too.

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