I wish I could make this shit up.

Hi folks.

You’re not going to believe it, but the OkCupid-er who asked how I am doing orally messaged me again.

Keep in mind…

I NEVER responded to his first message, so either he’s been having a conversation with me in his head or he’s quite the incessant fuck. (probably both)

Here is what he sent me a couple of days ago:

Do you ever get a funny feeling that someone you just read about may be someone who is able to hold the space necessary to have the grandest of experiences a human can experience?

Once again, duh fuck??

That’s a lot of pressure to put on me dudemanbrah. I could barely hold a space in line to get into The Granada a couple weeks ago let alone the space necessary to blah blah human experience blah blah blah. Also, to what kind of funny feeling is he referring? I feel like he is subtlety telling me he got a boner whilst reading my profile.

Speaking of lines…

Lately I’ve been getting a lot of one-liners on OkCupid which I feel somewhat encapsulate the OkCupid experience. Enjoy.

(I copy and pasted them, so any grammatical errors are the authors’, not mine. I am tempted to not explain what any of these comments are in reference to, but I’ll give credit where credit it due. The quotation is a message and the italicized comment is from yours truly.)

“nice hair”

I have hair! It is apparently quite nice because currently my inbox is full of about half a dozen comments about my hair. Quite ironic, seeing as I have very little hair on my head.

“Hey, Do you think if I clicked my doc martin boots together i’d magicaly appear in Kansas and land on top of the wicked witch of Michelle Backman? Or would I just land in a coffee shop having a coffee with a short haired woman with a BA in gender studies?”

This person is from Germany and apparently delusional with thinking teleportation is possible. This comment is kind of cute though, so I won’t make fun of it too much. 

“Like Egypt?

Like    Egypt?”

In my profile I wrote, “If I could go anywhere in the world, I would go to Egypt.” Apparently this OkCupid-er was drunk and thought that since I want to go there, that I must obviously like Egypt! This dude is a fucking scholar with his deduction skills. Or perhaps he was curious if I am similar to the country of Egypt to which I am unsure as to how I should respond. If we are talking about the current political and social climate (click here to see what folks in Cairo think of us: http://www.dailynewsegypt.com/2014/01/22/in-pictures-morsi-supporters-protest-in-downtown-cairo/) then I respond with, how does this OkCupid-er know I am radical anti-nationalist?!? Get da fuck outta my head. If he is however asking if I am sandy as defined by Urban Dictionary (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=sandy), then he is really sweet. Maybe we should go on a coffee date!

“I guess OkCupid has suggested you to me”

i.e. I didn’t think I should message you, but maybe OkCupid knows something I don’t. 

i.e. I like to state the obvious.

This is one of the most apathetic messages I’ve received.

“Do you know where I can buy some grass?”

NO where in my profile do I mention anything about knowing where to locate drug dealers. Perhaps because I’m from Topeka he assumed? If so, fair enough I guess.

“Any intereste in a fuck budy?”

If I ever relapse and drunkenly log on to OkCupid after having smoked all the meth I can find in Topeka, I’ll definitely contact this guy. So yeah, I’m totally interested budy.

“It looks like he had just taken one off”

I wish I could explain this one, but alas, I have no fucking idea what this guy is talking about either. Am I the only one who hopes he is referring to himself in the second person about himself masturbating?

“Who did this to your face, it looks awesome. I need a face like this.”

This is perhaps one of the best compliments I’ve ever received on OkCupid.

UPDATE: 01/23/14

I received this gem in my inbox message this morning and felt compelled to add it to the mix.

“Your profile made me not feel dead inside like the others. Too bad you are geographically challenged.”

THIS is the best compliment I’ve ever received on OkCupid.


Keep it weird y’all.




About Jess

It's about time we became comfortable with the uncomfortable.
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