I LIT-RA-LY HATE CINCO DE MAYO

Hey y’all. I’m going to rant for a hot minute. Bear with me.

Being of Mexican descent, but not ‘looking Mexican’ has both it’s privileges and biases. I have ‘passing privilege,’ but ‘looking white’ means I’m not always accepted by the Mexican community. I constantly feel the need to explain to people that my mom was born in Mexico City, that her father was Mexican, that I still have quite an extended family living in Mexico, and even the fun fact that apparently one of my mom’s great uncles did a family tree and found that we’re related to a Mexican President from the 19th century.

Cinco de Mayo is a holiday which causes me quite a bit of annoyance and I often take offense to my white peers (yes, it is predominately my white peers doing this) celebrating Cinco de Mayo in what seems like a blatantly disrespectful, racist manner. This past Cinco de Mayo I posted this Facebook status which reflected how I feel about the holiday:

Dear non-Mexican, non-Mexican-American Americans, 

Your dawning of a sombrero while drinking shot after shot of tequila in a ‘Mexican’ restaurant in ‘celebration’ of Cinco de Mayo is not interpreted as your accepting my familial heritage nor recognizing the struggles Mexicans have gone through in order to make a living in this country, but rather quite the cultural appropriated opposite.

Sincerely,
Descendant of Those People Who Better Stay on Our Side of the Border or Else We’ll Get Kicked Out (that is, unless we’re not taking ‘American’ jobs, make less than minimum wage, and/or hook you up with extra guac on your burrito)

This status received a lot of positive feedback from my Facebook friends, so I felt like people were understanding where I was coming from and I felt really validated.

That is, until I ran across this event photo.

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I was so shocked and disgusted that I reported the photo to Facebook (they didn’t consider it hateful, so they didn’t remove it). I asked The Hawk to remove the photo and event from Facebook which they finally did yesterday.

This is the Letter to the Editor I wrote and had published in the University Daily Kansan:

Dear Jayhawk Café aka The Hawk,

I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and think the reason why you thought it was appropriate to create and post such an offensively racist photo for your ‘Cinco de Drinko’ event (as well as call the event ‘Cinco de Drinko’) is because you are ignorant and know not what you do. Let me educate you, so in the future I can just call you out for being a racist establishment and not have to go through the hubbub of thinking I can help you not be so horribly bigoted and offensive.

First, a history lesson is necessary. Cinco de Mayo was created to commemorate the astonishing victory of the Mexican militia over the French army at The Battle of Puebla in 1862. (Some have described this battle as a ‘David and Goliath’ battle, if this gives you some perspective). It is mostly celebrated in the Mexican state of Puebla, with some very limited recognition in other parts of Mexico. It is not, as many people think, Mexico’s Independence Day, which is actually September 16. Cinco de Mayo in the United States is celebrated by Mexican-Americans as a way to foster Mexican pride.

It would appear however that cultural appropriation has struck again and non-Mexican and non-Mexican-Americans have observed this holiday, said ‘oh that looks fun!’ while strapping on a sombrero, and thought that with enough tequila shots they too might identify with a culture completely separate from their own. To be clear, cultural appropriation is different than cultural exchange. Some Americans are used to pressing their own culture onto others, taking what they want in return, and using someone else’s cultural symbols to satisfy a personal need for self-expression. This is not a mutual exchange. This is appropriating the parts of my culture you like while leaving the rest. (Got privilege?)

Now that I have informed you what Cinco de Mayo commemorates, who celebrates it (or rather, who should be celebrating it), and what cultural appropriation is, I feel I can begin to dissect how horribly racist and offensive your event and photo are toward Mexicans and Mexican-Americans.

Hawk Facebook photo artist, did you Google ‘drunk Mexican’? I bet someone 10 bucks this is how the photo was found. How you thought this photo would be better with a photoshopped sombrero is beyond me, but to go even further by titling your event ‘Cinco de Drinko’ is just undermining/degrading/belittling/etc. the holiday i.e. undermining/degrading/belittling/etc. Mexican culture.

America has commercialized Cinco de Mayo and made it a holiday in which drinking unreasonable amounts of booze is acceptable. This deeply saddens me because there is so much more to Mexican culture which I think Mexicans and Mexican-Americans would gladly exchange with other Americans. What The Hawk’s photo/event says to me is the same message I receive when I walk by any Hispanic/Latino restaurant on May 5th – the majority of Americans have no interest in learning about Mexican culture and couldn’t care less unless we’re taking ‘their’ jobs, making above minimum wage, want to live here, or refuse to give them extra guac on their burrito. If any of these occur, then all sombreros off bro.

My advice? Next time you create a Facebook event ask at least 3 other people if they think it could be offensive. I feel like this might save both you and I time.

KThanksBye,
Jess

I literally hate Cinco de Mayo.

Keep it weird y’all,

Jess

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A Helpful Tool for Identifying Alcoholism

**DISCLAIMER** 

This is NOT all-inclusive, official, doctor-recommended, or the one-and-only way to identify alcoholism. This is my opinion based off of my experiences as an alcoholic in recovery for the past 9 months as well as someone who works in social work land. Take it at that and go no further, please. 

I decided to write this post because I’ve been asked a lot during my sobriety about how I know I’m an alcoholic and how one would be able to identify themselves or someone they know as an alcoholic. The only purpose identifying someone else as an alcoholic should serve is to try to help them. I will warn you however that calling an alcoholic ‘an alcoholic‘ will more than likely be met with denial, dismissal, or aggression. (Don’t say I didn’t warn you.) Most of the following information is from other websites or sources. I have  pieced together the important/relevant parts/my opinion and formatted this post to first describe the symptoms of alcoholism, then ask important questions to assist in identifying whether one is an alcoholic or not, and then offer suggestions on how one can help a loved one who is struggling or how alcoholics can help themselves.

~ Indicators ~

Physiological Symptoms

  • weight loss due to malnutrition
  • insomnia or oversleeping
  • unexplained nausea or sore stomach
  • redness of the face or cheeks
  • numbness or tingling in the hands and feet
  • random body spasms/twitches while sleeping
  • tremors or shaking
  • erectile dysfunction
  • high blood pressure

Daily Dysfunction 

  • Repeatedly Neglecting Responsibilities: Because of drinking, repeatedly neglecting reponsibilities at home, work, or school. Spending less time on activities that used to be important to you because of drinking. For example, neglecting your household responsibilities (e.g. paying bills, cleaning, cooking), performing poorly at work or school, skipping work, school, personal or social commitments because you’re hung over
  •  Alcohol Use in Dangerous Situations: The use of alcohol in situations where it could be physically dangerous, such as drinking and driving, drinking with people who you either  don’t know or who you know might possibly be dangerous, mixing alcohol with prescription medication against the advice of your doctor or operating machinery while drinking
  • Legal Problems Due to Drinking: If, due to drinking, you are experiencing repeated legal problems. For example, getting arrested for fights, drunk and disorderly conduct, domestic disputes, driving under the influence
  • Continued Drinking Despite Relationship Problems: Alcohol is causing or making problems worse in your relationships with friends, family, partner(s), and you continue to drink. For example, fighting with your family because they don’t like how you act when you drink or going out to drink with your buddies even though you know your partner(s) will be very upset
  • Drinking to De-Stress: For example, getting drunk after a very stressful day at work or drinking if you’ve had an argument with a loved one

~ Questions ~

If you answer yes to 5 or more questions, then you are probably an alcoholic. (in my opinion)

  1. Do you have a lot of contacts in your phone with nicknames, such as “the coke guy” or “The Replay HAWTIE,” because you know you wouldn’t remember their real name the next morning?
  2. Are you so worried about getting enough alcohol at parties you hide alcohol in the back of the fridge?
  3. Do you mentally divide up the portions of alcohol when sharing with a group at a restaurant because you want to make sure you ‘get enough’?
  4. Do you get upset when people ask questions about your drinking?
  5. Do you consistently bring alcohol into situations where there wouldn’t otherwise be any, like a hike, movie theater, or your office?
  6. Have you lost your cell phone/keys/wallet more than once in the past year?
  7. Do you feel guilty about your drinking?
  8. Do you hide your drinking from friends and family by hiding empty bottles or lying about consumption?
  9. Do you keep drinking until you pass out, throw up, or black out?
  10. Would you drink a specific kind of alcohol even though you know you don’t like the taste or effect because you want to get drunk?
  11. Is it hard for you to stop drinking after one or two drinks?
  12. Do you use the phrase ‘road beer’?
  13. Do you drink even when you are sick?
  14. Do you worry a party or social function won’t have enough alcohol, so you have a few drinks before you go or bring your own?
  15. Do you keep alcohol in unusual places at home, work or in the car?
  16. Do you harass people who aren’t drinking, or who go home before 2 am, by saying things like, “Ohh is it past your bedtime?” or “Seriously, come on, just have one more with me”?
  17. Is being a drinker such a part of your identity that everybody around you knows you love to PARTY and some of your friends will only hang out with you when they ‘feel like getting crazy’?
  18. Have you ever wet the bed after a night of drinking?
  19. Have you ever felt the need to cut back on your drinking?
  20. Have you promised a loved one to stop drinking or cut back on your drinking and failed?

~What’s Next? ~

For the person thinking someone they love might be an alcoholic…

First, check yourself. Ask yourself: do they really need help or are you pushing your own agenda? Next, you need to realize a couple o’things.

You can’t help people who aren’t ready to help themselves, but you can love them through it. Don’t assume they aren’t helping themselves though. Perhaps the helplessness is the sign of their being out of their comfort zone. If we want to help, we can do some positive things like give encouragement or discuss the situation with them and let their own intuition discover the best way to help themselves.

You can help them by just being there and being supportive. You can still plant seeds. Most minds are so conditioned it is almost impossible to shed any light on their world. So just smile, nod, suggest, and if it does not help, then move on with no regret because you tried. Support is important. Talk to your friends don’t leave them when they go through hard times, you’ll need them when you’re going through a hard time.

People who don’t help themselves usually don’t trust others or themselves. Until they do, help them along by being a friend, but don’t engage in crazy behavior with them. Don’t enable them. Put the tools in their hands to help themselves, show them how to use them, step back, and be there when they trip. Love them when they fall. Repeat repeatedly.

You can’t make people be what you want them to be and you can’t decide what is best for them. You can only choose for yourself. There is a huge difference between can’t and won’tCan’t might be open to help. Won’t can’t be your problem. The best thing is won’t might not always be won’t. Hope for that. Their path is not yours to blaze, and who’s to say they’re not exactly where they need to be at this very moment?

Focus on your own well being (boundaries) so that you can provide stable support when they ask for help. Allow them their process no matter how difficult it is to watch. It is neither our right or responsibility to manipulate their journey. Stay strong! Use your strength to combat their weakness. It takes time.

For the person thinking they might be an alcoholic…

First, if you think you might have a drinking problem, you do. If you think you might be an alcoholic, you are.

Your friend who you always end up finishing their drink because you don’t want it to go to waste isn’t wondering if they have a drinking problem. Neither is your friend who you can hardly ever convince to come out with you. They’re not the one who is on a first name basis with that one drive-thru window attendant of Burrito King who’s always there at 2:15am.

If you want to quit drinking, but the idea sounds so foreign that you don’t even know where to begin, here are some pointers.

**You should consult a physician if  you think it could potentially be detrimental to your health to completely stop drinking abruptly.**

There are a couple of ways you can stop drinking, but I’ll be real with you. You have to come to the decision to stop drinking completely. None of that halfsie shit. You’re kidding yourself (i.e. lying to yourself) if you think you can cut back and only drink on the weekends or only drink in certain situations or with certain people. You’ll always find an excuse to drink as much as you want. ALWAYS

Trust me. I was terrified my life would be over if I quit drinking. I was afraid my social life would go right out the window and I’d be one of those boring people (like the ones I was always giving shit to about not drinking ‘enough’). I was afraid I wouldn’t have anything to do and none of my friends would want to hang out with me anymore if I wasn’t the life of the party. When I say this, I mean it with every inch of my body. My life wasn’t over when I quit drinking, but quite the contrary. My life finally began when I got sober.

I don’t know what the non-AA route of sobriety looks like yet, so I can’t speak too much about it. I am however currently in the process of learning more about SMART Recovery (http://www.smartrecovery.org/).  I know there are alternatives to AA, but I’m not sure about their efficacy. If I find some, I’ll report back. Until then, I can only speak about how AA has given me the sobriety I had thought was impossible.

For the longest time, I didn’t go to an AA meeting because I thought I would bear witness to a bunch of drunks sitting around a table talking about Jesus. This has NOT been my experience. Don’t get me wrong – AA is definitely spiritually/religiously affiliated, but I have yet to encounter any proselytization.  (This could be the experience of other people however). I know for a fact I would not be sober today if it weren’t for AA. All I can do is say, go to a meeting. You can find one on this website: http://www.aa-ksdist23.org/  and see for yourself.  Check it out and see if it works for you. Don’t knock it til you try it. I would also recommend seeking therapy in addition to AA. This has worked wonders for me.

This has officially been my longest post. I’m done now. I hope this was helpful. If you know me and have questions, please contact me and ask. I am really open to talking about all of this.

Keep it weird, y’all.

Best,

Jess

 

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10 Things Not to Say to an Alcoholic

Howdy folks!

I was thinking the other day about some of the dumb shit things I’ve heard during my sobriety and thought that perhaps folks could benefit from a friendly reminder of things not to say to an alcoholic. I have literally heard each of these. I’m gonna learn ya.

1. You don’t drink anymore? What do you do for fun?

Image     Well besides frequenting the local square dancing hoedown every 3rd Friday of the month, nothing really rocks my socks off like spending an entire Saturday evening knitting pot holders to donate to the local Rotary club. 

Surprisingly, I still do the exact same things minus the consumption of alcohol. Weird, right? I actually do more cool things now that I’m not wasted all the time and my hand/eye coordination isn’t significantly impaired.

2. Do you care if I drink in front of you?

Image     While I recognize that this could be a personal preference depending on the comfortability of the alcoholic which is influenced by a variety of factors such as how newly sober the person is, in general I think it should be assumed that yes, we care. Yes, it is difficult to watch you drink in front of me. Impossible? No. Uncomfortable? Yes. Tempting? Not always. While I may say ‘oh sure it’s fine,’ what I’m really saying inside is, ‘I would prefer to not watch you drink in front of me, but if you must…’

I think there is an inclination for some alcoholics to not want to be a ‘debbie or donnie-downer’ and to accommodate their drinking-buddies, so as to not get left out. This often leads folks to just avoiding hanging out with some friends altogether because the thought of asking their friends not to drink seems unreasonable or like an unfair request. I think the opposite rings true.

3. Can you stop by the liquor store for me?

Image     Yep. I have literally been asked by a friend if I could stop by the liquor store to pick up some booze. I realize I was frequenting On the Rocks enough to get a BOGO offer, but I couldn’t think of a bigger waste of time, not to mention a bigger trigger. No respect, I tell ya. No respect.

4. You’re not an alcoholic; you’re just young. Everyone who’s your age drinks a bunch.

Image     While it is true that folks my age tend to binge drink like nobody’s business, ain’t nobody got time for that. It is puzzling to me some of my friends don’t think I’m an alcoholic. It isn’t exactly favorable to identify as an alcoholic in society. Surprisingly it’s not the new hipster thing to do. (They’re still doing the whole PBR thing.) I don’t need to prove to anyone I have a problem.

5. You sure you don’t want even a taste?

Image     As unbelievable as it may seem, I have actually had a friend ask me if I wanted to try their specialty martini. I am so flabbergasted thinking about this again I can’t even think of anything snarky to say. Mmmm how about no. #Imafuckingalcoholic

6. Can’t you just skip your AA meeting?

Image     No.

7. Do you think you’ll ever drink again? You’ll probably drink again, right?     You see there’s this thing about being an alcoholic. Whenever we drink, our lives are…how do you say?…horrible? fucked up? sad? depressing? Never drinking again is kinda, sorta the objective. Asking me if I plan on drinking again is the equivalent of asking me if I think I’ll ever be so depressed again that I’ve given up on my own happiness. Silly, right?

8. You can’t even have just one drink?

Image     Moderation? Hahahahaha. You’re right! What an idea! I haven’t tried that before.

9. Will you hold my drink?

Image     Now I know I shouldn’t necessarily be in situations in which this could occur, but I do still like to go out dancing and watching live music. Unfortunately, both of these events usually occur in bars. Oddly enough, I don’t want to hold in my hand the very thing that I am having to completely avoid thinking about in order to be at the bar with you. I realize this might seem arbitrary, but trust me, it’s not.

10. God, I really need a drink right now.

Image     Please tell me about how great it would be to relax and unwind with a nice, refreshing beer or an ice-cold long island ice tea. I would love to talk about that.

Image     I realize this may sound like me just complaining and nagging about how hard it is to be an alcoholic and how much some people suck sometimes or how people may not understand how triggering they can be, but….wait. That’s exactly what I’m doing.

Sorry, not sorry.

Keep it weird, y’all,

Jess

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Oh yeah, I almost forgot. He was a crackhead too.

Howdy folks.

It’s almost been a month since my last post and quite a good deal in the land of OkCupid has happened. I don’t want to write a novel, so I’ll just sum up the highlights by noting the notables.

  • I was polyamorous with a married man for a hot minute.
  • I watched a beautiful stranger eat pizza in Kansas City.
  • I received this poem in a message:

The Raspberries Belong to No One

They are wild alongside the road.
The July light seems to gather
Around the seductive bunches of red.

I know where great patches grow–
Far from town, thick in the canyons,
Dancing under summer stars.

I sing while I slowly walk,
Picking the berries, enjoying a day
For what tastes it contains.

I wander like a bear,
Tongue lolling out, red
Juices dripping down my chin.

When I come out of the woods
Summer shall be over.
My fingers shall remain stained for months.

The night will begin to stretch
Across the sky like a vine.
The stars shall grow and dangle in clusters.

And secreted in my chest,
I will carry a Raspberry Heart–
Like a wild rhythm echoing in the dark.

I think you’ve been caught up to speed now. I NEED to tell you all about yesterday.

Yesterday I went on a date. I don’t usually meet folks off of OkCupid in person unless I’ve had a little bit of conversation via the website first. This is mainly due to my wanting to find out if they can carry on a grammatically correct conversation and I need to know if we have anything worthy of talking about in person. I know, weird, right?

Yesterday I decided to switch things up though and meet someone with little to no previous conversation in person. I knew practically nothing about this guy before meeting him for brunch at The Roost. It all started with the following message:

I like pancakes. Do you like pancakes?

I thought to myself, LET’S GET WEIRD, so I decided to actually respond. To give myself some credit I don’t usually respond to messages like this. We exchanged about 6 messages about pancakes and the different ways to enjoy pancakes as well as the different varieties of pancakes, of course, before I messaged him asking if he would like to get pancakes with me. We set the date/time and I actually showed up. I contemplated standing him up, but Sunday I woke up with quite the hankering for pancakes, so I put on a hoodie and headed downtown. My roommate warned me ‘I was asking for it’ by embarking on such an endeavor, but what I encountered was leaps and bounds beyond my wildest dreams. I feel like a found a fucking unicorn folks. I promise you I am not making any of this up. 

T is a twenty year old male who lives in Olathe, KS in a two bedroom apartment with 5 other friends. He sleeps on a couch when he is not working at the local cinema. When asked how he typically spends his days, T says that after working until about midnight, he comes home and plays Call of Duty until 3 or 4 in the morning – taking breaks only to eat, shit, and watch YouTube videos about other people playing video games. Occasionally, T does fire spinning at the Renaissance Festival. He does have a felony charge on his record for assault with a deadly weapon and making a terrorist threat i.e. after getting into a fight with someone, he threatened to cut their tongue out of their face with a knife. T has gone to therapy and anger management however so he has been accepted in the Army and will be going to boot camp very soon. T is a juggalo, graphic novel consumer, and a Brony. For those who might not know what a brony is, please check out this website: http://whatisabrony.com/    T is not a participant of the incest which occurs in his family. He feels confident in not being attracted to his 15 year old cousin. Oh yeah, I almost forgot. He was a crackhead too. Through the demonstration of sheer will power, T has been able to rid himself of the desire to smoke crack. 

According to OkCupid, T and I are a 77% Match. Unfortunately, T and I were unable to hang out for longer than a few hours. I think if we had spent a little longer together we may have found out what that 77% includes exactly. 

I can only think of three words which accurately sum up my feelings about yesterday.

God. Bless. America.

3 (This isn’t a photo of the guy. Just another random OkCupider.)

Keep it weird y’all,

Jess

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I wish I could make this shit up.

Hi folks.

You’re not going to believe it, but the OkCupid-er who asked how I am doing orally messaged me again.

Keep in mind…

I NEVER responded to his first message, so either he’s been having a conversation with me in his head or he’s quite the incessant fuck. (probably both)

Here is what he sent me a couple of days ago:

Do you ever get a funny feeling that someone you just read about may be someone who is able to hold the space necessary to have the grandest of experiences a human can experience?

Once again, duh fuck??

That’s a lot of pressure to put on me dudemanbrah. I could barely hold a space in line to get into The Granada a couple weeks ago let alone the space necessary to blah blah human experience blah blah blah. Also, to what kind of funny feeling is he referring? I feel like he is subtlety telling me he got a boner whilst reading my profile.

Speaking of lines…

Lately I’ve been getting a lot of one-liners on OkCupid which I feel somewhat encapsulate the OkCupid experience. Enjoy.

(I copy and pasted them, so any grammatical errors are the authors’, not mine. I am tempted to not explain what any of these comments are in reference to, but I’ll give credit where credit it due. The quotation is a message and the italicized comment is from yours truly.)

“nice hair”

I have hair! It is apparently quite nice because currently my inbox is full of about half a dozen comments about my hair. Quite ironic, seeing as I have very little hair on my head.

“Hey, Do you think if I clicked my doc martin boots together i’d magicaly appear in Kansas and land on top of the wicked witch of Michelle Backman? Or would I just land in a coffee shop having a coffee with a short haired woman with a BA in gender studies?”

This person is from Germany and apparently delusional with thinking teleportation is possible. This comment is kind of cute though, so I won’t make fun of it too much. 

“Like Egypt?

Like    Egypt?”

In my profile I wrote, “If I could go anywhere in the world, I would go to Egypt.” Apparently this OkCupid-er was drunk and thought that since I want to go there, that I must obviously like Egypt! This dude is a fucking scholar with his deduction skills. Or perhaps he was curious if I am similar to the country of Egypt to which I am unsure as to how I should respond. If we are talking about the current political and social climate (click here to see what folks in Cairo think of us: http://www.dailynewsegypt.com/2014/01/22/in-pictures-morsi-supporters-protest-in-downtown-cairo/) then I respond with, how does this OkCupid-er know I am radical anti-nationalist?!? Get da fuck outta my head. If he is however asking if I am sandy as defined by Urban Dictionary (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=sandy), then he is really sweet. Maybe we should go on a coffee date!

“I guess OkCupid has suggested you to me”

i.e. I didn’t think I should message you, but maybe OkCupid knows something I don’t. 

i.e. I like to state the obvious.

This is one of the most apathetic messages I’ve received.

“Do you know where I can buy some grass?”

NO where in my profile do I mention anything about knowing where to locate drug dealers. Perhaps because I’m from Topeka he assumed? If so, fair enough I guess.

“Any intereste in a fuck budy?”

If I ever relapse and drunkenly log on to OkCupid after having smoked all the meth I can find in Topeka, I’ll definitely contact this guy. So yeah, I’m totally interested budy.

“It looks like he had just taken one off”

I wish I could explain this one, but alas, I have no fucking idea what this guy is talking about either. Am I the only one who hopes he is referring to himself in the second person about himself masturbating?

“Who did this to your face, it looks awesome. I need a face like this.”

This is perhaps one of the best compliments I’ve ever received on OkCupid.

UPDATE: 01/23/14

I received this gem in my inbox message this morning and felt compelled to add it to the mix.

“Your profile made me not feel dead inside like the others. Too bad you are geographically challenged.”

THIS is the best compliment I’ve ever received on OkCupid.

 

Keep it weird y’all.

Best,

Jess

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What. The. Fuck.

So I received this message the other day on OkCupid…

I love bimbos. I wish I could be one myself, but that wouldn’t work since I’m male. I’d just be yet another transsexual freak who isn’t sexy or pretty but just disgusting. I can’t imagine any amount of female hormones or surgery would turn me into a hot bimbo airhead. Also, I wouldn’t dare to go through with that unless I had finances secured for life, and somebody really pushed me into it. 

Still, I’d love to talk to a bimbo. Maybe you aren’t one, but you might want to become one, or have fantasies about it? I’d love to train you over Skype. Or maybe you could bimboify me. I love the way they talk (valley girls). Like, whatever and stuff. 

Do you have similar thoughts of wanting to become a bimbo, or to bimboify others? Or maybe you already consider yourself to be one? I’d really love to chat with you if any of this sounds even remotely interesting to you. I have lots of fantasies, mostly involving humiliation in one form or another.”

My stream of consciousness after reading this:

What.the.fuck. Bimbiofy isn’t a word. Wow, you’re entitled. Humiliation arouses people? NEVER say ‘transsexual freak’ again. Why would I want to be a bimbo? Why would you want to be a bimbo? What is a bimbo? What other sorts of fantasies does this man have? Is this what people use Skype for? 

I have this habit of saying the phrase “now this is the weirdest message I’ve received.” I think I need to stop saying this. I’m jinxing myself. Just when I have restored my hope in humanity, I receive a message like this and am thrown in a cycle of  hopelessness, concern, and despair. (Granted this lasts all of 5 minutes, but still!)

After reading this message, I found myself wanting to know what sort of person would respond to this man in a positive way? Why yes! I would love for you to demean and belittle me! That sounds like a lovely way to spend my Wednesday afternoon. Let me cancel my lunch plans.

I guess I’m just not into BDSM. Who knew?

download

Keep it weird folks.

Jess

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Earthlings,

It was a hard decision to make, but I think I picked the right OkCupid message with which to start this blog. (Oh, I won’t ever tell you who any of these people are, so don’t bother asking.)

The following is a REAL message I received from someone on the online dating website OkCupid (create a profile right meow: www.okcupid.com):

Spontaneous love pours through my fingers and to YOU who are receptive to such feelings, receive this love that my hands dance upon this keyboard. 

Thank you for using your eyes to see love in these words and feel the warmth of my soul pouring into yours. 

Love 
What is your dream? 
What is your vision? 

Where are you? Spiritually? Emotionally? Mentally? Orally? Creatively? 

In long – explain yourself – your deepest yearnings and realest truths that you have soaked up and wish to share. 

I’d like to be that kind of person to you. 

Someone you could tell anything and feel perfectly comfortable with. 
I’d like to demonstrate through a long series of kind thoughts words and actions that my heart is pure and light and my intentions are true. 

To you who inspire me to play freely. I eagerly anticipate our togetherness and extend out ethereal warmest hugs for you. 

My initial response to this message was “Thank you. You know, I have been wondering how I am doing orally lately. I’ve been needing some introspection on this.”

The first question I am asked almost always when I share this message is ‘what does your profile say?’ As if I put on my profile under the “You should contact me if…” section, “your hobbies include taxidermy and crying while masturbating.” My profile is normal-ish, I can assure you. I have had multiple friends read and critique my profile.

I have so many questions.  Is this a message he sends to everyone or did he actually take the time to write this for me? How much lsd has this man taken in his life/was he on lsd while writing me this message? Was he referring to me as his love, or was he asking ‘love’ to tell him what it’s dream and vision are? Is he a wizard?

I chose not to reply at the time, but have given some thought to replying now. I don’t want to deter him from playing freely. I’m just not sure how I am doing creatively, so I think maybe I’ll have to wait a little longer until I figure this out.

Keep it weird y’all,

Jess

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